Table of Content
My midlife-crisis rant
Table of Content
This is going to be a very long writing. So if you don’t want to read it, please skip. But if you really want to read, I’m going to say that is just my flood of thoughts that coming endlessly today.
這將會是一篇很長的文章。因此，如果你不想閱讀，請跳過。但如果你真的想讀，我想說這只是我今天源源不絕的想法。
Pardon me, but I use the translator today haha
抱歉，我今天用翻譯器哈哈
Yesterday I had a sudden thought to learn Chinese a bit, so I start at 9 pm. I think it’s gonna be just 3 hours long. But i could not stop. I even had an insomnia last night without any reasons, so I read and listened to Chinese news until 4 am in the morning.
昨天我突然想到要學一點中文，所以我晚上9點就開始了。但我無法停下來。昨晚我甚至無緣無故地失眠了，所以我看中文新聞、聽中文新聞直到凌晨四點。
I really hate my ease to addiction of learning language. I want to say that when i was in high school, i remember that i could sit in the cafe and learn Japanese for 5 hours straight without going anywhere. It’s good to have that kind of focus, but it also ruins my ability to preserve my health and relations as well.
我真的很討厭自己輕易沉迷於學習語言。我想說的是，當我在高中的時候，我記得我可以坐在咖啡館裡連續學習五個小時的日語，而無需去任何地方。有這樣的專注固然很好，但它也破壞了我維護健康和人際關係的能力。
Back to my last year in high school, i was preparing for the university entrance exam. Normally it takes around 1 year, especially if you want to get into medical school, which was my desire at that time. It was a tough year, i cry sometimes, i was even had a game addition. Damn, I remember that I play that game 7-8 hours a day and ruin every aspect of my life. However, time flies, I somehow managed my addition to gaming, did a fuckton of past exams, and then i really got into a medical school in Chulalongkorn, and at that time my sudden thought was,
回到高中最後一年，我正在準備高考。通常需要一年左右的時間，特別是如果你想進入醫學院，這是我當時的願望。那是艱難的一年，我有時會哭，甚至還添加了遊戲。該死，我記得我每天玩這個遊戲 7-8 小時，毀了我生活的方方面面。然而，時間過得真快，我不知何故成功地加入了遊戲，做了一大堆過去的考試，然後我真的進入了朱拉隆功的一所醫學院，當時我突然想到的是，
Do i really want to do this kind of thing for my entire life?
我真的願意一輩子做這種事嗎？
Actually the situation was complex than that, but I won’t dive into details. My sudden desire was to give up, and change my path to engineering. Hell, the transition was so sudden. I remember that I previously thought that my father didn’t want me to go to medical school; it was my wish. However, that day my father kind of angry to me, and that’s the first time that i know he wanted me to be in the medical school all along. We had a 3 to 4 days of arguments. Damn, my mom was even crying. The situation was bad, but finally we got pass through it.
其實情況比這複雜，但我不會深入細節。我突然想要放棄，改變我的工程道路。天啊，轉變來得太突然了。我記得我以前以為父親不希望我去讀醫學院；這是我的願望。然而，那天我父親對我有點生氣，這是我第一次知道他一直希望我進入醫學院。我們爭論了三、四天。媽的，連我媽都哭了。情況很糟糕，但我們終於渡過了難關。
Because in Thailand (I think it may happen to many countries,) many students in medical school actually don’t really like to do it. It is just the social norms and parents’ expectation that if you really good academically, then why don’t you be in medical school? It was harsh. Especially because i was from a top school in Thailand, three out of four students will go to medical school (doctor, dentist, pharmacy are all included.) I gonna bet that 90% of them just going there because 1. their parents 2. their friends also go there 3. they have absolutely no idea what they really want so they just choose that because the pathway is so stable.
因為在泰國（我想很多國家可能都會發生這種情況），很多醫學院的學生其實不太喜歡這樣做。這只是社會規範和父母的期望，如果你的學業真的很好，那你為什麼不去醫學院？這很嚴酷。特別是因為我來自泰國的一所頂尖學校，四分之三的學生會去醫學院（醫生、牙醫、藥房都包括在內。）我敢打賭，他們中的90% 會去那裡，因為1. 他們的父母2.他們的朋友也去那裡 3. 他們完全不知道自己真正想要什麼，所以他們只是選擇那個，因為這條路很穩定。
So, when I went to the orientation day of that medical school, there was a questionnaire, mostly about my mental status. But the first page, I remember it very clearly, It asked me just one question: What if I don’t have any financial burdens, parents’ expectations, or any limitation whatsoever, what study field you really want to choose? They let me write three. I wrote: 1. Engineering 2. Accounting 3. Foreign language.
所以，當我去那所醫學院的迎新日時，有一份問卷，主要是關於我的精神狀況。但第一頁我記得很清楚，它只問了我一個問題： 如果我沒有任何經濟負擔、父母的期望或任何限制，你真正想選擇什麼學習領域？他們要我寫三篇。 我寫的是：1.工程2.會計3.外語。
And yeah, finally i went to engineering. I really want to admit something. Why am I not go to the Foreign language study? I just having a bias, big one actually, that it can be doing along side with the main one, so why won’t i just go to Engineering, but needless to say that i forgot all Japanese language at this point hahaha. 是的，最後我去了工程學。
我真的很想承認一件事。我為什麼不去外語學習？我只是有一個偏見，實際上是一個很大的偏見，它可以與主要偏見一起做，所以為什麼我不直接去工程，但不用說我此時已經忘記了所有日語哈哈哈。
Back to now, why i’m writing so far to this point? I just want to say that, that sudden thought really come to me again. That should i do this engineering thing for the rest of my life? My thought, i don’t want to admit, but it came when i went to that internship hahaha. Actually i had a great experience there. I got a chance to do new things, see how the company have a fuckton of resources I could not imagine before. But i saw every single person in engineering was soul-sucked. Hell, i really want to have some joke that the department that i feel they still have some souls left is the HR hahahaha. I tried to manage to go running, have some exercises after work, and i finally understand why people who works 8.30 in the morning to 5.30 in the afternoon everyday have no vital energy to do anything anymore afterwork. Hell, 5.30 is even too early, average is 7-8 at night.
回到現在，我為什麼要寫到現在？我只想說，我突然又想到了這個想法。我應該在餘生中從事這項工程工作嗎？我的想法，我不想承認，但是當我去實習的時候就出現了哈哈哈。事實上我在那裡度過了一段很棒的經歷。我有機會做新的事情，看看公司如何擁有大量我以前無法想像的資源。但我看到工程界的每個人都被靈魂吸走了。哎呀，我真想開個玩笑，我覺得他們還有靈魂的部門就是HR哈哈哈哈。我試著在下班後去跑步、鍛鍊身體，我終於明白為什麼每天早上8.30到下午5.30的人下班後就沒有力氣做任何事情了。哎呀，5.30還太早了，晚上平均7-8點。
I actually think to myself since my age turned to 20, that my life started to have a clock in front of me, saying all the time “Baby, you will be 30 in ten years, and your health, your free time, your ability to do something new and kind of nonsense will be gradually less and less from now on.” And it’s really true, oh my god i want to say that i kind of feeling sad about my birthday last week, realizing that haha, right now it’s only 6 years until i get 30. Actually when we was young, birthdays are always exciting, right? I remember that my greatest feeling was when i was 18 and finally have my own life for the first time. Really, like because i was in a boarding school when i was in high school, so my life is just “school” and “home”, my parents won’t let me go anywhere else, but yeah university time came and i went anywhere with my friends, went drinking, travelling, having one night stand with any guys that i want. And then what after that? 20 came, and everything got worse, and I am trying to balance all my health and work and whatsoever so every thing keeps functioning.
其實我自己想，從我20歲開始，我的生活就開始有一個時鐘擺在我的面前，一直在說「寶貝，十年後你就30歲了，你的健康，你的空閒時間，你的能力」做一些新的事情，那種廢話，從現在開始就會慢慢越來越少了。”這是真的，天哪，我想說，上週我的生日讓我有點難過，意識到哈哈，現在距離我30歲只有6年了。正確的？我記得我最大的感受是當我18歲的時候，我終於第一次擁有了自己的人生。真的，因為我高中時在寄宿學校，所以我的生活只有“學校”和“家”，我的父母不會讓我去其他地方，但是是的，大學時代到來了，我去了任何地方和我的朋友們一起喝酒、旅行、和任何我想要的人一夜情。然後之後呢？ 20 號到來了，一切都變得更糟了，我正在努力平衡我的健康和工作以及其他一切，以便一切都能正常運作。
Yeah, but life is life and we have to be complied with the capitalism. We work hard so we can have financial freedom at the end. Ha, sound boring, and extremely dangerous. You gonna save the money and live the life you want after retire at 40, 50, 60? I don’t want to do that. I will not be handsome anymore. I want to go and still take picture and post it on Instagram and have some gay guys who say “wow, you are hot.” Actually i want to say something here, that during my university years i thought “Hell, being 30 is like already death for gay community.” when I was a first year in high school i thought first year university students is so old. and then when i was in the first year university, i thought again that graduated students are so old. Now, i am a graduated student myself, and my opinion is changed, 30 years old guys aren’t that old anymore. 6 years, fast forward and i will be them in no time. So i don’t want to lose my twenties, not doing anything that i really want to do.
是的，但是生活就是生活，我們必須遵守資本主義。我們努力工作，以便最終能夠實現財務自由。哈，聽起來很無聊，而且極度危險。 40歲、50歲、60歲退休後，你會存錢過你想要的生活嗎？我不想那樣做。我不會再帥了。我想去拍張照片並將其發佈到 Instagram 上，讓一些同性戀者說“哇，你很性感”。其實我想說的是，在我大學的時候，我想“天啊，對於同性戀群體來說，30 歲就已經是死亡了。”當我讀高中一年級時，我認為大學一年級的學生已經這麼老了。然後當我讀大學一年級的時候，我又想，畢業的學生都這麼老了。現在，我自己也是研究生了，我的看法有了變化，30歲的人不再那麼老了。六年，快進，我很快就會成為他們。所以我不想失去二十幾歲的年紀，不能做任何我真正想做的事。
But capitalism is harsh. You want to be a singer? artist? ha, eat shit… Today I really think about many alternatives. Should i be just in a cram school? My father had listened that thinking from me and he said immediately “You are a very good student, want to do cram school? Don’t you pity for your own intelligence?” And i just like, damn, it’s very good business, in a sense that you really don’t have to learn more anymore hahaha. Recently I have a sudden thought of even being a Thai language teacher here. When I was a TA in Thai class here, i thought that this is the perfect place for me, i walk, i talk, i have a physical moving during the class, and it really beats that engineering sit-all-day job. I even have a thought that I would love to be the travel agency hahaha.
但資本主義是殘酷的。你想成為歌手嗎？藝術家？哈，吃屎吧……今天我真的想了很多替代方案。我應該只去補習班嗎？父親聽了我的想法，立刻說道：“你是一個很好的學生，想要上補習班嗎？你不可憐你自己的聰明才智嗎？”我只是喜歡，該死，這是非常好的生意，從某種意義上說，你真的不需要再學習更多了哈哈哈。最近我突然想到在這裡當泰語老師。當我在這裡擔任泰語課助教時，我認為這對我來說是一個完美的地方，我在課堂上散步、說話、進行身體活動，這真的勝過整天坐著的工程工作。我甚至有一個想法，我想成為旅行社哈哈哈。
But anyway, my thought is going further… I was like “but those jobs don’t have a wonderful job progression.” I somehow think that, what if i turn 40, and i’m in an Chulalongkorn engineering alumni connection event back in Thailand, one of my friend would be a CEO of the powerplant in Thailand, one could be a very powerful person in PwC, and i will be like “haha, I’m a lovely Thai language teacher right now.” I don’t know if that will make me pity. Actually i don’t even know if i will really care at that point haha.
但無論如何，我的想法更進一步……我當時想“但這些工作沒有一個美妙的工作進展。”我不知怎的想，如果我40歲了，我在泰國參加朱拉隆功工程校友聯誼活動，我的一個朋友可能是泰國發電廠的首席執行官，一個可能是普華永道非常有權勢的人，我會說“哈哈，我現在是一名可愛的泰語老師。”不知道這樣會不會讓我可惜。事實上我甚至不知道那時我是否真的會在乎哈哈。
Maybe I’m tired of pursuing success. I don’t know if you are like me, but for me when i can finally achieve that success, I will say “then what?” Happiness from success don’t last more than 1 hour, what is really added up is my ego, that i have proved that i can do it, which is really useless. You know what? The regret that I have when I look back to my high school and university year aren’t that I got a silver in Thailand chemistry competition instead of gold, that I got that B+ instead of A in some courses, or that I cannot be in the International Chemistry Olympiad which was my longed dream since middle school. At that time, I think those are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. But no, I even start to forget about it. What i regret the most, is that i was not spend my time with my friend more. I neglect how to maintain the relationship. I neglect many things that i want to do, but I have excuses that i had no time. That’s my regret, and I don’t want to have that regret again for the rest of my life.
也許我厭倦了追求成功。我不知道你是否像我一樣，但對我來說，當我最終能夠取得成功時，我會說“然後呢？”成功帶來的快樂不會持續超過1小時，真正加起來的是我的自我，我已經證明我能做到，這真的沒什麼用。你知道嗎？當我回顧高中和大學的時光時，我的遺憾不是我在泰國化學競賽中獲得了銀牌而不是金牌，不是我在某些課程中獲得了B+而不是A，也不是我無法參加國際化學奧林匹克競賽是我從中學就一直以來的夢想。那時，我想這些都會困擾我一輩子。但不，我甚至開始忘記它。我最遺憾的是我沒有花更多的時間和我的朋友在一起。我忽略瞭如何維持關係。我忽略了很多我想做的事情，但我卻藉口沒有時間。這是我的遺憾，我不想再有那樣的遺憾。
But yeah, I don’t mean that IC design is boring. I still have many things to learn, and it is fun! But why the job has to be that soul-suck? That’s the reason that i think that in no way i would do it until retire. Also, I just think today that my life is my novel, i can write it whatever i want. And you can really write your life novel down only once! You cannot turn the page backward and edit. You can only just write it forward, and the scary thing is that, no one know how many pages left. So the rest of my life, i think it’s kind of trying to balance between “What if I die tomorrow, what will be my regret?” and “What if I not die tomorrow, how can i survive and still have money?”. I want my novel to be interesting, like a final fantasy gamestory, I don’t want to listen to people who says “life needs to be boring sometimes.” I agree, but not all the fucking time, So I will not waste any time in my life from now on.
但是，我並不是說 IC 設計很無聊。我還有很多東西要學，而且很有趣！但為什麼這份工作一定是那麼令人心碎呢？這就是我認為在退休之前我絕對不會這樣做的原因。而且，我今天只是覺得我的生活就是我的小說，我可以寫任何我想要的東西。而且你的人生小說真的只能寫一次！您無法向後翻頁並進行編輯。只能往前寫，可怕的是，沒人知道還剩多少頁。所以在我的餘生中，我認為這是一種試圖在「如果我明天死了，我會後悔什麼?」和「如果我明天不死，我怎麼能生存並仍然有錢？」之間的平衡。我希望我的小說很有趣，就像 final fantasy 遊戲故事一樣，我不想聽人們說「生活有時需要無聊」。我同意，但不是所有他媽的時間，所以從現在開始我不會浪費我生命中的任何時間。
Maybe after 30, what else can i do? Maybe you will see me doing farm in Mae Hong Son? Maybe you will find me guiding Taiwanese travelers in Bangkok? Maybe you will find me doing cram school for free in Thailand because Thai education is so fucked up? I also don’t know. But right now, let’s finish this lovely master degree (sarcasm), doing soul-sucking job until 30, try to maintain my health and handsomeness along the way and wishing the best that my 30 will not be old, bald, fat, mad, miserable person that if my 20 self could see would tell “Damn, why are you so fucked up?” I really hope that after 30 i can still do something that i really want without exhausting.
也許30歲以後，我還能做什麼？也許你會看到我在夜豐頌農場工作？也許你會發現我在曼谷為台灣遊客提供指導？也許你會發現我在泰國免費上補習班，因為泰國的教育太糟糕了？我也不知道。但現在，讓我們完成這個可愛的碩士學位（諷刺），做著吸魂的工作到30歲，一路上努力保持健康和帥氣，祝我的30歲不再老、禿頭、胖、瘋，一個悲慘的人，如果我20歲的自己能看到的話，他會說：“該死，你為什麼這麼操蛋？”我真的希望30歲以後我還能做一些我真正想做的事情，而不會讓疲憊不堪。
That’s my plan now, thank you for coming to my TED talk.